Building Emotional Intelligence – EXHAUSTING but worthwhile

We spend so much time and energy encouraging our childrens’ intellectual growth (reading books, math, language, etc) and broadening their experiences through extra curricular activities (music, sport, etc) but how much time is spent teaching them emotional intelligence (resilience building, self awareness, empathy, expressing themselves through words, reflecting on situations, problem solving, etc).  Who shows us as parents how to teach them these things effectively?  Many of us may not have been taught ourselves growing up, so we have to learn as we go as well.

It’s exhausting raising children, especially when we are giving it our all.  No matter what ages or stages kids are at, no matter how many of them there are, there are different issues to deal with.  I thought once my kids got older it would be easier but in fact it’s the emotional stuff that I am now finding exhausting!  Yes they are all toilet trained, they mostly sleep through the night, they can entertain themselves at times but it’s the emotional, irrational behaviour that is hard to know what to do with and at times to stay calm amidst it.

I recently read a fantastic article by Dr Laura Markham about Emotional Intelligence.  Here’s a few tips I got out of it;

- Empathy – kids learn from being shown themselves by others (sometimes emotions are built up and come out strongly at other times when they feel safe – once expressed and empathised, they are free to move on)

- Anger is always a secondary emotion, other emotions are underneath, try to work out what

- What’s the ‘need’ behind  the feelings? Often it could just be sleep!

- Don’t take it personally – even if your child says something like ‘I HATE YOU’, it’s not about you, it’s about them.  Don’t react, take a deep breath and empathise, look from what’s going on behind the emotions.

(Here’s the whole article – I’d recommend a read of it!  http://ahaparenting.com/_blog/Parenting_Blog/post/Teaching_Emotional_Intelligence/)

Try some of these things, it’s always good to be reminded of what to do to help develop our kids into healthy adults. We can also learn and grow in our own emotional intelligence along the way as we try to model to them good ways to express our emotions.

Another great emotional intelligence website  -  http://eqi.org/pare.htm#Why%20Develop%20Emotional%20Intelligence

5 Internet safety tips for parents

I’ve been teaching my upper primary kids at work all about internet safety.  Including not putting contact details on the internet, examining websites before joining them and avoiding clicking on pop-ups no matter how attractive and innocent they look.  But then it occurred to me that it’s the parents who need to be educated as well, or reminded in some cases, of the dangers of the internet and as our kids get older and use the internet more, practical tips to keep them safe.

Here’s a few pointers/reminders about ways to protect your kids;

1. Make sure the computer is in an open area. Don’t let them use their laptops in their bedrooms, keep them in sight so they learn to use them responsibly and there’s help near by if they need it.

2. Make sure you have some kind of filter on your computer.  There are many different types of filters, and if nothing else, then going into google and making sure the filter is on there.  Also in preferences making sure that pop-ups are rejected.

3. Bookmark safe sites that kids can go to and teach them how to access them so they have feel like they have freedom but it’s with boundaries.

4. Keep communication open so that if ever there are any problems like cyber-bullying as they are getting into things like msm chat, facebook and other social media, they feel they can talk to you if there are any problems.  Once they’re into these social networks, they also need to be aware of online etiquette and how to show emotion online with cues such as , LOL, etc, and also how to block people when necessary from their networks.

5. Don’t let them spend too much time on the internet (including TV, ds, ipods, video games, etc), set boundaries early.

There are many other tips to safe internet use for parents, if you have some different ones you’ve found helpful, share them with us.

For more information go to www.cybersmart.gov.au  (FANTASTIC government website about internet safety)

Are we teaching our kids discipline? Tiger Mother’s extreme strategies….

Amy Chua, author of recent publication “Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother,” writes about the strict methods she used to bring up her children, the same way she was brought up in a traditional Chinese family.

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There’s been huge uproar over her book, many parents feeling strongly that her style is way too strict and leaves no room for kids to be kids.  Chua talks about throwing away a card one of her kids made for her because she felt that she could have made a better one. She made her children practice violin 2 hrs a day every day of the year including holidays and only accepted A’s from them in school, anything else was not acceptable.  Chua believes that we get to where we want to go through hard work and discipline not natural talent.  She thinks that many parents have gone to the extreme in giving kids too much freedom and no boundaries.

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I think there is some merit in what she is saying.  We as parents often bow to the peer pressure of what other parents are doing around us in relation to what we let our kids watch, how much internet time we allow, what extra curricular activities we put them in and how many play dates we let them have.  I know for me sometimes I expect too little of my kids instead of encouraging them to strive to be better.  Also motivating our children to achieve and be disciplined takes energy and time, both of which I don’t always feel like I have, or maybe just don’t prioritise.

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Yes Chua’s parenting perspectives are extreme to say the least, but some would argue that today’s parenting is leaning towards the other extreme.  It’s finding the right balance.

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It’s always good to be challenged about why we do what we do and in this case why we parent the way we do and what we could change for the better.

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Listen to her interview on the Today Show (http://t.co/3OC01Aa via @todayshow)

What is technology doing to our kids?

Susan Maushart has recently written a book called ”The Winter of Our Disconnect” about an experiment she did with her teenage kids.  Basically they took screens away for 6 months;  TV screens, computer screens, ipods, video games and mobile phones.

This quote from the article sums up well why Maushart decided to do this ‘Experiment’.  “Like so many teens, they couldn’t do their homework without simultaneously listening to music, updating Facebook and trading instant messages. If they were amused, instead of laughing, they actually said “LOL” aloud. Her girls had become mere “accessories of their own social-networking profile, as if real life were simply a dress rehearsal (or more accurately, a photo op) for the next status update.”

She states in a recent interview that they rediscovered small pleasures, ‘like board games, books, lazy Sundays, old photos, family meals and listening to music together instead of everyone plugging into their own iPods’.  Her son took up the saxophone again as the video console was put away and she states in her book that his friends elected to come to his house to play board games.  Her 18yr old daughter’s friends thought the ban was ‘cool’ and she took to reading and going to library if she needed to use the internet. Her youngest daughter took to spending hours talking on the land line to her friends instead.

Our society is already so technology dependent and recent statistics state that facebook has now overtaken google in it’s amount of use and 1/10 of every internet minute is spend on facebook. (http://manojtech.com/manoj/?p=1275)

How is this affecting our kids and their futures?  What can we as parents do now to help our kids grow up with a balanced, healthy perspective on the use of social networks and other various technology.  Leave your comments on the facebook page for open discussion.

View the article at  – http://www.valleynewslive.com/Global/story.asp?S=13861727

Her book ‘The winter of our disconnect’ can be found at this site for just over $13 with free postage. http://www.bookdepository.com/book/9781585428557/The-Winter-of-Our-Disconnect

Why are we always in such a hurry??

Hurry, hurry, hurry……… Not only has ‘hurry’ become normal, but we buy into the myth that says ‘when we are busy we are important.’  Multi-tasking therefore has a common place and as proficient as that may seem, it results in the fact that we don’t give our full attention to one thing and if that ‘thing’ is our child, then we’re missing something.  What are we telling our children about their value if they are multi-tasked?

I remember reading somewhere that the best teaching we give our kids is the incidental teaching.  This happens when we have time with them, relaxed time, not time racing round from one activity to another or trying to vacuum the floor, hang washing out, make lunches and get yourself looking respectable all before you walk out the door.

So how do we have a more simple, less hurried life with kids?  For me it’s about being more organised.  Sitting down each week and working out what we’re going to have for dinner during the week, hanging the washing out the night before, folding washing into piles of who it belongs to saves re-sorting, making lunches the night before, getting kids excited about helping by using reward charts, watching less TV at night (always a good one) and just going out and leaving the mess there every now and then doesn’t hurt!  I don’t ever succeed at doing all these things but every now and then we work on one organisation strategy and for that week anyway, life is more calm!

What home strategies do you use to keep organised and be less hurried?

Teaching your kids Resilience.

Great article, By Justin Coulson |

www.kidspot.com.au/schoolzone//School-life-Friends-Teaching-your-child-resilience+3994+320+article.htm

The Road Less Travelled – Life is difficult!

In the book ‘The road less travelled’ by Scott Peck, the first sentence reads ‘Life is Difficult.’  This sentence has become renowned for it’s significant simplicity and truth.

Peck’s perspective on life is that it’s full of problems and we can choose to moan about them or solve them(p.16). He goes on to say the difficulty is that confronting and solving problems is often painful bringing out uncomfortable feelings in us like grief, sadness, anger, anxiety, frustration, etc.  So naturally we try to avoid that pain by avoiding problems. However Peck goes so far as to say that ‘avoiding problems and emotional suffering is the primary basis for all human mental illness’. (p.17)

Though the problems of life bring pain, they also bring meaning and in the process of solving them we learn and grow.  We need to see the necessity and value of suffering and pain and in doing so give our children a realistic perspective on life…..because let’s face it life is difficult!

Peck goes on to talk about things such as ‘delayed gratification’ (work now, enjoy later), being self-disciplined as parents and the positive effect that has on our children, how to give our kids a sense of value and security, our view of reality, and much more…..  Grab a copy and have a read, it’ll open your thinking and challenge some of your perspectives on life.

Peck, S. (1988) The road less travelled. Rider, Great Britain.

Anger Management for Parents

Before we become parents, what training are we given?  Is there a bachelor of parenting that can teach us strategies in how to put ourselves last, how to have unlimited patience, how to control our frustration or how to deal with conflict when we’re exhausted?  Even in the anti-natal classes it’s all about ‘the birth’ and ‘feeding techniques’ not strategies to cope with sleep depravation, selflessness, being totally overwhelmed and coping with the feeling of being out of control and out of our depth.

So because we have no ‘formal’ training to become parents, we just make it up as we go along, using our own family’s example and interactions with other parents as our guide. Obviously we miss things along the way and I discovered recently something new that I had never heard before about anger.

Anger is always a secondary emotion.  It is connected to other negative emotions or a response to them.  I used to think that I got angry because I didn’t have enough self control, however I have recently concluded that that’s not the case and learning this has freed me up to think about the other emotions I am feeling which are showing themselves in anger, rather than feeling guilty that I am getting angry.

During the parenting years, we are often so stretched, with low reserves and often limited sleep, the other negative emotions get missed and we jump straight into anger.  This can leave us feeling guilty and like a failure.  So how do we stop this happening?  There are cues that we can look for to tell us that we are starting to get angry, and strategies that help us stop, look for the underlying emotion, recognise it, decide what to do about it and move on.  I have found deep breathing really helps.  Just giving my body the opportunity to relax, think, gain perspective and give my brain more oxygen (which is always a good thing).

Anger is a totally normal emotion, the issue is learning how to manage it.  Suppressing the anger, though it may feel like you are being very self controlled, is actually dangerous and does not solve the problem.

I have found some great websites that go into more detail about recognising cues, ways to help calm down before you get too worked up and seeing the underlying emotions so they can be communicated about.

http://www.angermanagementtips.com/tips.htm

http://www.psychology.org.au/publications/tip_sheets/anger/

Connecting with our partners amidst life, kids, travel…..

Many of us have husbands who are absent from us for different reasons.  Some have to travel a long way to and from work, others do shift work (often absent on weekends), some have work commitments which see them flying all over the world, and others are so driven to work that it doesn’t matter where they are, away or at home, their minds are always consumed with work.  This can be difficult to manage amidst the challenges of children.

Especially in the early years, motherhood can be quite lonely.  We go from having a full time job with other adults around, to having a huge responsibility to manage mostly on our own and often hardly any adult interaction.  I can remember days when my husband was the only adult I spoke to.  As the kids get older, it is still a challenge at times to have quality time with other adults.  Only a few months ago I was at my Mum’s place with the kids and I remember trying to talk to her about something but getting so frustrated because we were constantly interrupted.

The same goes when finding quality time with our husbands, when they are home they are in high demand.  The kids want to tell them about their day, we want to communicate with them, they want to go for a jog or fix something, or just sit for a minute. Often when my husband comes home we’re in the middle of dinner and everyone want a piece of him.  I have to take a number and get in line!  Then when the kids are finally tucked in bed, I’m so exhausted I can’t always remember or be bothered talking to him about whatever it was I had on my mind or something important that happened that day.

I have found also that because our minds are full of such different things during the day, us with kids, nappies, negotiating, drop offs, outside the home work, food preparation….. and men with the stresses of getting satisfaction out of their work, progressing in their career, providing for the family, coming home during peak hour every night……. this puts up barriers too.

So what’s the answer? How do we find time amidst the business of life and work demands to connect?  I’ve heard a lot of people talk about ‘date night’, which can be in or outside the home.  Also I find just making the effort to get out of the house as a family on the weekend even just to the park has been good.  That way we’re not looking at what needs to be done around the house, and because the kids are happy being stimulated we have some relaxed time together.

What strategies have you found that work in your family?

Are you prepared for Breast Cancer Screening? Overwhelming or life changing?

It’s a scary experience finding a lump in your breast then wondering whether it will change your life forever.

I had this experience a few days ago.  Thinking it was probably nothing, as it was sore and apparently they’re usually not malignant if they’re sore, I didn’t think too much about it just got a referral to the breast screening clinic at a private hospital and went along to check it out.

With my husband in Boston at present, I asked a friend to have my 2 year old for the morning, thinking I’d just be an hour or 2 (like a pregnancy scan).  So I dropped the kids at kindy, school and my friend’s place and headed for the hospital, amazingly finding a close park in a 2hr zone.

When I arrived at the clinic, I was asked to check my personal details and sign some forms, most importantly to guarantee I’d be paying that day for whatever service they would perform, which neither they nor I knew what that would be at that stage.   Then I was ushered into a change room by a volunteer to dress in the sexy wrap around gown made for one-size-fits-all, aka XXXL.  Then I was asked to wait with the 40 other ladies in the waiting room, constantly adjusting our gowns so our boobs weren’t hanging out!

So I did what most ‘gen Xers’ do when faced with waiting, I got out my iphone! Scrolling through all the apps I seem to have on my phone (transfered from my husband’s phone so still don’t know what half of them do and never had time to find out before now) to see if there were any games that would be of interest, only to discover my phone only had 20% battery power left! So I played solitaire for a while then decided I’d better save the battery in case I needed to text someone, and got into some gossip magazines instead.

It was quiet sitting in the waiting room looking round at all the women waiting to be screened, mostly keeping to themselves and their own thoughts.  What was going on in everyone’s minds?  Were they here for a usual checkup, had they come back after months of treatment to see if they were clear or had they found a lump and were waiting to see if it was malignant?

So after waiting for 45mins or so I was ushered in to see a doctor who had a feel of my breast, then told me to wait again for a mammogram.  So back to the waiting room for another stint, then a mammogram, a wait, an ultrasound, a wait,  back to the doctor, another wait, then finally a very painful biopsy.  4 1/2 hrs later I went to pay the bill, and another shock…….$750 (of course no private health insurance money back as I wasn’t an ‘in’ patient) and less than $300 back from medicare!

At this stage I am totally exhausted, frustrated with all the waiting I wasn’t prepared for, sick of reading about movie stars affairs and drinking issues, phone dead so couldn’t text anyone, stressed about getting a parking ticket, shocked with unexpectedly high bill, relief the lump was most probably clear so I should be feeling great, feeling very alone with hubby overseas, almost time to pick up kids so no time to recover or have a sleep……..it was a very overwhelming day!

Then I thought about what it would be like for people who do find malignant cells, this day would just be the start for them!

All of us will have to go through the process of having breast screens, whether it’s finding a lump, or going to our annual checkups when we reach a certain age.  I wanted to share this with you so you could be more prepared than I was.  I have absolute confidence they were very thorough in their examinations and it was good having it all done in one day, but I just had no idea what to expect.

If you have had similar or different experiences with breast screening or breast cancer, we’d love to hear it.